:) Canadian Jokes;
Funny Canadians and Their Sense of Humour

Have you heard some of the funny Canadian jokes reflecting the sense of humour of Canadians? And have you noticed I spelled it as "humour" and not as "humor" like the Americans do? This is another thing that sets Canadians apart from Americans. Canadian English is based more on British English, although it has many other influences, amongst which influences from its neighbour, the Americans. But let's get back to the Canadian jokes topic... eh?

Following are some of the most common Canadian jokes and humour about this country and its citizens:

Molson Beer Commercial, also known as "The Rant":

I AM CANADIAN

Hey.
I’m not a lumberjack or a fur trader
And I don’t live in an igloo
Or eat blubber or own a dog sled
And I don’t know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although
I’m certain they’re really, really nice.
I have a Prime Minister, not a President
I speak English and French, not American
And I pronounce it “about,” not “aboot.”
I can proudly sew my country’s flag on my backpack.
I believe in peacekeeping, not policing
Diversity, not assimilation
And that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat
A chesterfield is a couch
And it is pronounced zed, not zee, ZED!
Canada is the second largest landmass
The first nation of hockey
And the best part of North America!
My name is [insert your name here]
And I AM CANADIAN!

Another popular list that falls under Canadian jokes is this one:

You're Canadian if:

You know how to pronounce and spell Saskatchewan without blinking
You put on shorts as soon as it hits plus 10, even if there is still snow around
You know what a tuque (toque?) is
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day
You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers
Pike is a type of fish, not some part of a highway
You drive on a highway, not a freeway
You know what a Robertson screwdriver is
You understand the sentence, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
You drink pop, not soda
You love your fries with poutine
You go to the washroom, not the restroom or bathroom
Someone accidentally stepped on your foot. You apologize.
You stepped on someone's foot. You apologize, then apologize for making them apologize
You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
"Eh" is a very important part of your vocabulary and you understand all the 1,000 different meanings of "eh", eh?

A few of my own Canadian jokes adding to the above list, which actually have more of a culture shock element to it:

You know schools don't issue a snow day unless there is a severe blizzard (at least in Saskatchewan, my personal experience)
You don't mind leaving your wet winter boots at the door when visiting your dentist, etc.
You order a "double-double" at Tim Horton's (famous coffee shop, Canada's pride), not two cream and two sugar (funny thing is, that when we first went through a Tim Horton's drive-thru, we kept hearing the words "gobble-gobble" over the outside speaker, and we were wondering why they were gobbling like turkeys, ha-ha!)

More Canadian Jokes

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks:

You may be living in Canada if:

Your local Dairy Queen (ice cream shop) is closed from September through May
Someone in a Home Depot offers you assistance... and they don't work there
You've worn shorts and a parka at the same time
You've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed the wrong number
“Vacation” means going anywhere south of Muncie for the weekend
You measure distance in hours
You know several people who have hit a deer more than once
You have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again
You can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching
You install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked
You carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit
The speed limit on the highway is 80 km and you're going 90 and everybody is passing you
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car
You find 2 degrees "a little" chilly
If you actually understand these Canadian jokes, you definitely live in Canada! :)

Some of these driving jokes would definitely scare a Titlemax agent and lower your chances of getting a title loan on your car. No Titlemax agent would ever advise a driver to take their vehicle out in a blizzard, let alone speeding at 90 km/hr during one.

From Canadian Jokes to Canadian Sarcasm

Vancouver hosted the 2010 Winter Olympics and the following are some silly questions asked by people from all over the world.

Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Web site. Obviously the answers are not to be taken seriously, but the questions were really asked and are now another addition to the collection of Canadian jokes!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto. Can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 4,000 miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

There you have it, pure sarcasm as part of these Canadian jokes.

As a final part to this Canadian jokes section I'd like to ask you: How do you spell Canada?
Answer: C-Eh!-N-Eh!-D-Eh! And this is how this joke originated:

The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was "Cold North Dominion," but that was too long, so they abbreviated it to C.N.D. The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the inhabitants, but they didn't say a word. "Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor? "C, eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the Governor. "N, eh?" says the second guy. "D, eh?" says a third one. Then silence. "Hey," says the Governor. "I like that. It's a helluva lot easier to pronounce when you spell it that way." And that's how Canada got its name. :)